


i'm here (to stay)

by maleclipse



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Coda, Communication, Episode: s03e16 Stay With Me, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2020-01-01 05:17:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18329399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maleclipse/pseuds/maleclipse
Summary: “I have everything I need right here”felt like a lie, but Magnus didn’t want it to be.(3x16.)





	i'm here (to stay)

**Author's Note:**

> i have so many thoughts about this episode and idk how to write them down without it sounding stupid and confusing and unclear.
> 
> but i tried my best.
> 
> enjoy x

“ _I have everything I need right here_ ” felt like a lie, but Magnus didn’t want it to be.

He had been ready to die for his magic and it was _terrifying_. It was Alec, who changed his mind. Without Alec’s words, without _Alec being there_ , Magnus would’ve let the magic kill him. 

He didn’t have everything he needed - in just few days he had lost his home and his magic, _again_ , and while he loved Alexander greatly, it wasn’t enough. But Magnus needed it to be, because it was– _Alec was_ everything he had left.

_“I know how important magic is to you, but is it really worth dying for?”_

_“Maybe.”_

_“How can you even say that?”_

How could he not?

He was _nothing_ without it.

“You're mad at me,” Alec’s quiet voice said from the doorway. It wasn’t a question, he stated it like it was a fact.

And maybe Magnus was mad. Not at Alec, but _he was_.

“I’m sorry,” Alec whispered. Door closed behind him as he walked slowly closer to Magnus. Magnus didn’t bear looking him at the eye. “I didn’t mean to pressure you to do anything you didn’t want to–”

“I know,” Magnus cut in. He didn’t want to listen Alec blaming himself. “I’m not angry with you.”

Alec sat next to him. 

Magnus closed his eyes and breathed deep. When he opened them and looked straight into his boyfriend’s eyes, Alec smiled softly.

“ _Hey,_ ” Alec murmured, “you can talk to me.”

“I know,” Magnus repeated. “But I prefer being quiet.”

Alec was about to take his hand, but Magnus flinched away. He hated himself for it, but Alec wasn’t taken aback.

“Can I touch you, or is it too much?” he asked. It was a simple question, Alec didn’t blame him and he didn’t sound angry. He just asked.

Magnus shifted closer. “Yes. You can touch me,” he answered quietly, “I’m sorry.”

Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus’ torso. “Don’t be.”

Magnus sighed and let his head fall on Alec’s shoulder. Closing his eyes, he enjoyed the familiar feel of Alec, Alec, Alec.

“I really meant it,” Alec started and Magnus already knew what he was talking about, “when I said it wasn’t your magic I fell in love with. It wasn’t you being a warlock I fell in love with.”

Magnus didn’t say anything, but he opened his eyes.

“I fell in love with _you_ ,” Alec said, “the man who is always kind, and brave, who helps me see what is right and what is wrong. The man who makes fun of my incapability dance and the man who makes me laugh, feel loved, think about the future–”

“Alexander–”

“You’re always part of my future, when I think about it,” Alec confessed, “and today I was selfish, demanding you to give up the magic. But I knew I couldn’t live without you.”

Magnus turned, so he was facing Alec. But Alec wasn’t finished. “I’m sorry I let my selfishness come between us. I’m sorry, when I wasn’t there for you when you lost your magic the first time. I just– I was _happy_ we could maybe–”

“Grow old together,” Magnus finished and Alec’s eyes pleaded with something close to embarrassment, “I know. I heard.”

“You did?” Alec’s voice was just above whisper. Magnus nodded.

“I did,” he confirmed.

“I hate myself for it,” Alec said, “for not being there for you.”

Magnus inhaled sharply. 

He wasn’t supposed to talk, it was _weak_ and he hated feeling weak. But he still did.

“I was pretending everything was alright,” Magnus told him, “and I didn’t want you to notice. I didn’t want you to act any different around me– _please_ , don’t blame yourself for my mistakes.”

“I should’ve noticed!” Magnus flinched from the strength of Alec’s voice and Alec noticed it, quickly apologizing, “ _sorry_. I’m just– I was a shitty boyfriend. But I won’t be anymore, I want you to know it. _You need to know_ I’ll be here for you, I’ll help you get your magic back, I’ll–”

“Alexander,” Magnus said sharply, “stop.”

Alec shut his mouth.

“It’s okay,” Magnus said, “we’re both to blame.”

“It’s not,” Alec answered weakly.

“But it is,” Magnus said again. “I know I’ve been– distant since I woke up, but Alexander, you need to stop. Everything is done and we’ll be okay.”

_Everything is gone, but maybe you’ll be enough._

“But it’s my fault,” Alec insisted.

“Yeah, maybe this wouldn’t have happened without us _falling in love_ , but darling, I’m not mad for that,” Magnus said, “I’ll never be mad for falling in love with you, and insisting it’s your fault makes it seem like you are.”

“ _Never_ ,” Alec was so quick to answer it made Magnus’ mouth twitch. “You are the best thing that has happened to me.”

Magnus nodded and leaned his head back on Alec’s shoulder. “I’m glad to hear that.”

Alec chuckled weakly and pulled Magnus closer to his chest.

The quiet that followed wasn’t heavy or awkward. It was nice, it felt safe and Magnus liked to pretend that in that exact moment everything was alright.

But he also noticed that he was thinking it would be. In the end, everything would be alright.

Maybe he felt like he was nothing without his magic, like he didn’t have everything he truly needed, but he would have and he would get better and Alec would be there for him.

“I love you,” Magnus blurted out. It wasn’t often when Magnus said it first and he could feel Alec still beneath him.

“I love you, too,” Alec breathed out, “ _so much._ ”

“You know what I dreamed of?” Magnus mumbled, then, “when I was out? I dreamed of you.”

“You did?” Alec’s words were surprised.

“Yeah,” Magnus said, “I did. We were dancing. You were good.”

Alec laughed at that. “ _And_ that’s how we know it was a dream.”

Magnus let himself smile. Alec poked his cheek, also smiling.

“It’s going to be okay,” Alec whispered carefully, like he didn’t want to break the moment. “You’ll get through this. We’ll get through this.”

“Yeah,” Magnus said quietly and Alec pressed a soft kiss on his cheek.

 _Oh,_ Magnus realized, _it feels like home_.

For now, Alexander was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> comments & kudos are appreciated!!! they make my day (or night, in this case.)
> 
> you can also find me on [tumblr!](https://eclipseben.tumblr.com/)


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